Schmantasy Football Preview: Week 4

by on September 26th, 2013 at 3:42 pm

Week 3 is in the books and there weren’t a ton of surprises. In fact, the only thing surprising about week 3 was that a lot of usual fantasy titans had poor showings. The league standings are still pretty close (calm down, we’ve only played 3 weeks) with Bitches Ain’t Skrande still at the top, Gordan TD-man still at the bottom, and the rest of us battling it out in the middle. Can the Bitches continue their dominance? Will Paul and his TD-men finally get a win? There’s only one way to find out. Play some mother-frakkin’ football!

My football! My helmet! MY GOD!

My football! My helmet! MY GOD!

To be clear. The players do the actual work and I sit back and yell at the television/ESPN fantasy football app.

I HAVE A LOT OF NEW ITEMS (1-2) VS. TEAM SEVERS-OWNED (2-1)

While man-versus-machine was last week’s game to watch it can pretty much be glossed over this week. Downright rejected.

What's in the envelope? REJECTION!

What’s in the envelope? REJECTION!

The Shop put up a disappointing 69 points last week. Basically rolling over and allowing the Bitches to coast to 3-0. Without the ability to add/drop things aren’t looking any better for the scoring leader from week 2. With Aaron Rodgers on a bye week and two of its players facing the daunting Seattle defense the Shop doesn’t stand much of a chance.

Coming off a week 3 win, two wins in a row, Team Severs-owned will roll over the depleted Shop team. Loaded with two good fantasy QBs and a ridiculously deep field of RBs the season can only keep getting better for Severs-owned. As long as his team stays healthy he should only have to make minor tweaks from week-to-week. Look for a big game out of Megatron as he faces a weak Chicago secondary. While Andrew Luck and Reggie Wayne will continue this year’s fantasy theme: Pick on the Jacksonville Jaguars.

The football teams of Florida: Irrelevant since 2008.

Maybe Miami can turn that around this year.

THIS TOTALLY ISN’T SOCCER (1-2) VS. GORDAN TD-MAN (0-3)

In our first matchup of teams with losing records we have This Totally Isn’t Soccer taking on Gordan TD-man.

losers

I don’t feel good about putting this here. In fact, I’m a little worried about karma for poking fun at my friends.

Coming off a week 3 loss, Soccer looks to right the ship against the league’s winless team. It won’t be easy with the injury bug still plaguing his roster. Steven Jackson won’t suit up against New England and even if Eddie Lacy were healthy the Pack are one of the two teams with a bye this week. Mychael is again forced to start his backup RBs; both of whom are backups on their respective teams. Soccer had better hope the trade for Darren McFadden goes through otherwise he will have to roll out an injured Ben Tate against Seattle.

If there is any bright spot for Myke this week it’s that he’s facing our winless commissioner. And, as our league poll indicates, 0-3 truly is the loneliest number. Paul and his TD-men have a good chance at a season-saving win in week 4. His matchups are certainly favorable. Matt Stafford is facing a porous Chicago secondary. Starting any RB against the Bills is a good move; even an injured one. Rookie Giovani Bernard is lighting the world on fire but faces a tough test this week in Cleveland. This week certainly looks good for our venerable leader but you just never know with football.

Hernandez’s Henchmen (1-2) VS. Vanilla Bear (2-1)

To me, my henchmen!

To me, my henchmen!

Hernandez and his Henchmen have been hovering around the 70 point mark in each week of play. A sort of consistency you don’t want in a league where most players are putting up 80 or more each week. The Henchmen have made some moves and are looking at a much more favorable week 4 matchup. Tom Brady may be getting his best target back this week; the future hall of famer will return to form soon. Which is good news considering that Hernandez’s other QB, Colin Kaepernick, did indeed replicate his terrible, awful, no good, very bad 5 point day. In fact, it was worse. Kaep earned 4 points in week 3. With three Kansas City Chiefs on his team, Andrew is sure to rack up some fantasy points as they face the winless New York football Giants. (As a side note, damn you for getting the Chiefs DST off of waivers before me!)

Yay! It’s my turn! One of these days I’ll be the matchup of the week but, sadly, even I cannot give myself that honor in week 4. I’m coming off of a win so I can’t complain too much but I really felt like my lineup underperformed and am personally saddened that I failed to reach the 100 point mark for a third consecutive week. I could have if I hadn’t been too stubborn to start Russell Wilson or Bilal Powell. I honestly thought the Seahawks would run Lynch all day so I sat Wilson. Nope. Lynch gave me a dismal 6 points while Wilson coasted to 8 more points than the QB I decided to start. In fact, if I weren’t the proud fantasy owner of Jimmy Graham and Jordan Cameron, Myke could have beaten me. My ass was saved by tight ends. Enough about last week’s bitching. This week my team is looking dicey. I’m really only feeling confident about Jimmy Graham against the Dolphins on Monday night and the Colts DST facing a Jacksonville club that couldn’t score on themselves. Everyone else is facing some tough opposition. Look for a close game between the Henchmen and my Vanilla Bears; it could be an upset in the making.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING! (2-1) VS. TEAM HAWKS (1-2)

Speaking of things that are upsetting. Team Hawks is looking for a strong week 4 despite Person Hawks being completely apathetic about football.

Five times the apathy of a normal human being!

Five times the apathy of a normal human being!

Good thing he’s facing the daunting HWin. Haleigh could not have asked for better matchups going into this weekend. Her opposition rank stats look like the Jolly Green Giant. Only Reggie Bush is facing a team that might have a chance at shutting him down; even then probably only because he’s coming off of an injury. Look for big numbers out of I Have No Idea What I’m Doing. She does know what she’s doing. And I’d endorse her for an easy win if she weren’t facing Team Hawks.

As an avid endorser of being lazy and getting away with it, I really shouldn’t be mad at Josh for not giving a shit about a fantasy version of something for which he also gives zero shits. But, god damn it, I hate that his team puts up big numbers despite his apathy! I work my ass off at this (because I have nothing better to do) and still have to cross my fingers. Apparently just drafting the Denver Broncos was a solid fantasy move this season. Peyton Manning, Demaryius Thomas, and Knowshon Moreno will tear Philadelphia apart. And if Gronk actually plays this week? Jesus. Let’s just say that I’m happy I’m not facing him. The numbers alone in this matchup would make it my pick of the week. If it weren’t for…

Our Schmame of the Week

BITCHES AIN’T SKRANDE (3-0) VS. TO THE SHORES OF TRIPLE-I (2-1)

Somebody has a shot at taking down the league juggernaut!

They call me Bitches.

They call me Bitches.

 

You heard me right. Skrande is beatable this week in our only matchup featuring both teams with a winning record. The player matchups aren’t going her way and Randall Cobb is on a bye week. As always, Adrian Peterson looks to put up big numbers as the consensus number one draft choice in every fantasy league this year. Facing the Pittsburgh Steelers means even bigger points. Dez Bryant should have a stellar day against San Diego. And Bitches Ain’t Skrande fields the Seahawks DST; a unit capable of putting up more numbers than most of my RBs combined. Her team hasn’t put up less than 99 points this season. That’s fucking nuts. With such a deep team even the injury bug can’t slow her roll.

But maybe, just maybe, she’ll get washed up on the Shores of Triple-I. Robert Griffin III faces an Oakland defense that has been lit up by Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning. Heck, even Jacksonville managed 13 points on them. The Detroit Lions are just giving away fantasy points to opposing RBs so look for big numbers out of Matt Forte. Speaking of giving away points, the Eagles similarly hand out points to opposing wide receivers. Wes Welker being fed by Manning means some potential for huge gains. Pat’s real weak spot seems to be his FLEX. Starting a recently injured CJ Spiller against the Baltimore Ravens run defense is ill advised.

Will the league be evened out? Will Skrande be 4-0?  I would very much like to be closer to first place. Whatever happens…

big american party

Comments:

  • Paul Valentine

    The TD-Men have had a really good week of practice. I think we’re going to turn things around this weekend. They’re really buzzing around out there. I told them they just have to hold onto the rope, not let go. There’s some real special players on this team. Real special. Just one play here, one play there, we could be 3-0. It’s a two chin-strap fantasy league, I tell you. Other Houston Nutt-isms.

  • Paul Valentine

    Also, who is driving? BEAR IS DRIVING, HOW CAN THIS BE???