Civilization V with a German Accent

by on June 6th, 2013 at 12:00 pm

I like playing Civilization V with a German accent.

Civ 5 Germany

No, not a German flourish. Not that kind of accent. I’m talking about playing the game while butchering an entire language and culture. Like many people do, I’m going to claim asylum by pointing to the things I share in common with the victims of my mockery. First, I’m German-American. My last name is German. I have ancestors that came to this country to achieve the eventual familial success of me working for tips. The American dream. Second, refer to my first point because that’s all I’ve fucking got. Maybe my love of beer and sausage is a claim. Since there are other cultures that stake the same claim to fame (Green Bay Packers fans) I highly doubt it.

The Civilization franchise has been out for 20 years. If I need to explain it to you I’d first like to find out how you were able to get internet access to the rock you’ve been living under. Even the name implies the essence of the series. Play Flying Spaghetti Monster with an entire civilization. My noodly appendage usually chooses Denmark or Germany to play as.

My penis. My penis picks the culture. I’m just going to assume it has a thing for Elmer Fudd or a cross-dressing Bugs Bunny.

My penis. My penis picks the culture. I’m just going to assume it has a thing for Elmer Fudd or a cross-dressing Bugs Bunny.

Whilst I’m building up mein empire, I feel like I have to make bad puns, outdated cultural references, and do just plain terrible accents. Das ist gut, ja? This rises from my one and only goal with Civilization: Have fucking fun with it.

All I want to be able to do is build up a giant panzer division and crush the Polish. Because fuck Poles; am I right, sexual punnery? (I actually will be able to fuck the Poles soon.) Then I just want to build up my stash of airplanes and throw them all at Great Britain. For my encore I like to hurl everything I have at Russia and pay homage to my ancestral home by crying over spilled empire. Bonus points if someone plays as France and I followed their lead. I like to occasionally ally with the Austrians or Italians or Japanese. And I get a kick out of devaluing my currency and being generally belligerent. Because in a game about being the “greatest” civilization, why not be the biggest dick?

Occasionally I like to eschew all stereotypes and try to win through diplomacy. Because I guess it’s funny when I make the German empire play nice. It’s fucking funny to me anyway.

The sad truth is this: I play as the Germans because I’m fucking terrible at Civ 5. I’m not going to win and I’m going to make the Germans lose because Germans are always the bad guy and they haven’t quite lived down being Jew-cooking dickwarts.

Mic drop. I’m out.

Edison Out

I think I just set a record for most dick references in one small article.