Schmantasy Football Week 2 Preview

by on September 13th, 2013 at 10:00 am

The season is upon us! The fantasy schmamers completed our draft and played the first week of games last weekend, but I’ve been busy (read: lazy) so you didn’t get to hear anything about that! But from here on out, I’d like to travail you with our imaginary gridiron exploits each week – a weekend roundup on Tuesdays, and a weekend preview on Friday (soon to include trash talking!) Since we didn’t recap Week 1 of our season, this article will do a little bit of both.

No team has really separated themselves from the pack after just one week, but generally I’ll try to end the article with our most marquee matchup, or as we’ll call it, the SCHMAME OF THE WEEK [imagine guitar solo here].

Without further ado, I’d like to present week two (rhymes, suckas!)

Team Hawks (1-0) vs. I HAVE A LOT OF NEW ITEMS (0-1)

Josh celebrated Peyton Manning by buying a horse named Dapper Dylan.

Josh celebrated Peyton Manning by buying a horse named Dapper Dylan.

Our first two matchups are the least interesting since each game includes a team who tied for worst in scoring last week. League-owned team I HAVE A LOT OF NEW ITEMS performed about like you’d expect an NPC player to perform – tying for worst in the league points-wise in week one. Will he have righted the ship before week 2? Probably not, seeing as the NPC team doesn’t make acquisitions. The autodraft Gods did send our NPC friend a decent team, though, and he’s currently projected to achieve a victory over our stalwart editor-in-chief (who is not aided by his loyalty to Rob Gronkowski. Rarely in sports do we see an owner so loyal to a player that he leaves him in the starting lineup despite said player being physically unable to perform.)

And what about Team Hawks? He was able to ride his broncos (see what I did there?) in week 1, nearly outscoring the TD-Men on Peyton Manning and Demaryius Thomas alone. He almost certainly won’t get such record breaking performances this week, but could end up in the same scoring range if everything regresses towards the mean: C.J. Spiller and Maurice Jones-Drew both woefully underperformed for Team Hawks in week 1. Will Josh get a gargantuan output from a single player again this week? Will we see a team effort from Team Hawks? Will Team Hawks get a new name? Will the NPC Shopkeeper get mythril armor so I can finally sell this gold chainmail? Find out these answers and more this week!

Gordan TD-Man (0-1) vs. Bitches Ain’t Skrande (1-0)

After failing to surpass a team ruled only by the whims of the internet, I wear the cone of shame this week.

After failing to surpass a team ruled only by the whims of the internet, I wear the cone of shame this week.

This matchup is only slightly more interesting than our first by nature of having two player controlled teams, but the TD-Men (managed by yours truly) tied NPC Shopkeeper for worst score in the league in week 1. The TD-Men found themselves down by more than 60 points before even having a player enter a game, and the early embarrassment was clearly too much to handle as the team spiraled out of control, with two players (David Wilson and Brandon Pettigrew) combining for negative five points. That the TD-Men managed to still score 71 points with less-than-no input from two players at least gives me hope for this week.

The reason not to have hope? The TD-Men will be squaring off against the league’s number one team. Bitches Ain’t Skande got monster performances from several positions, with Adrian Peterson, Vernon Davis, Drew Brees and Victor Cruz all scoring over 20 points en route to a 140 point performance. Even a regression from all of these players still results in a team that could beat anyone in the league, making Bitches Ain’t Skrande an early favorite. But when does the early favorite ever win the Super Bowl? Sometimes, that’s when.

Team Severs-owned (0-1) vs. Hernandez’s Henchman (1-0)

When I hear "enigma," I always just think of Advance Wars

When I hear “enigma,” I always just think of Advance Wars

Team Severs-owned is the league enigma. Several players who were among the top picks at their positions in the average ESPN draft drastically underperformed for Michael, including Doug Martin (10 points), Cam Newton (12 points), Chris Johnson (7 points) and, most dramatically, Calvin Johnson (3 points). Can these players right the ship? Severs-owned still put up an impressive 91 points even with these abysmal performances. If some of these players return to their predicted value, Severs-owned has a good shot at the playoffs: if all of them do? Daaamn. That’s considering, of course, that Severs-owned can continue to get production from Owen Daniels and Reggie Wayne, both aging players. He’s already a step up on the Henchmen following a double-digit fantasy performance by the Patriots D/ST in the Thursday night game.

And what of the Henchmen? They pulled out a win in week 1, although it wasn’t the most impressive victory – a two points edge over the NPC player. Still, a win is a win and the Henchmen get to chalk one up in the win column. Like many of our teams, the Henchmen lacked performance from some players who should do well. Dwayne Bowe only counted for 3 points, but he’s still working on developing chemistry with his new QB. Meanwhile Nate Washington led his team in targets but only managed to translate that into 46 yards. If he keeps getting that kind of workload, his fantasy production will improve. The other players on the roster had games that should be easy to replicate, so team owner Andrew can count on production from them.  The Henchmen are hurt by the fact that Danny Amendola – who pulled in over 100 yards receiving in week 1 – was out for the Patriots game.

To the Shores of Triple-I (1-0) vs. Vanilla Bear (0-1)

The Bears were our first team to go dirty, and if I could award bonus points for that I would.

The Bears were our first team to go dirty, and if I could award bonus points for that I would.

An extremely solid performance from los Osos Blancos had the misfortune of going up against Bitches Ain’t Skrande, wiping out a score that would have bested any other team in the league. Corey can at least take solace that most of his players will be able to either repeat their scores or even improve in the case of Marshawn Lynch, who posted a disappointing 4 points last week even after receiving 17 carries. The Bears two Seahawks have the tough job of going up against a 49s defense that is in the conversation for best defense in the league (the other main contender being the Seahawks own defense). If they can put up at least average performances this week, Corey should be seeing his first win of the season.

The Shores of Triple-I, however, had a solid performance of their own in week one with 113 points, and should get a boost in week 2 now that Robert Griffin III has shaken the rust off, which will help his own game as well as increasing the probability that Alfred Morris, also a proud member of the Triple-I, will put in a better game. Wes Welker showed great chemistry with Peyton Manning in just his first game as a Bronco, and Vincent Jackson could have a huge game against the habitually terrible Saints pass defense (which Jackson torched for nearly 300 yards and two TDs in their meeting last season).

This is a great early matchup that was nearly our game of the week, but the best part about it: we have our first instance of trash talking! From the ESPN preview of their matchup:

Corey Weber (Sep 11 5:20 PM): May your team play poorly, good sir!

Patrick Simpson (Sep 11 6:39 PM): May both your quarterbacks come down with explosive diarrhea Saturday night.

Corey Weber (Sep 11 11:59 PM): May your running backs be too sore to run from their nights of sodomy.

SCHMAME OF THE WEEK [imagine guitar solo here]

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I Have No Idea What I’m Doing! (1-0) vs. This Totally Isn’t Soccer (0-1)

On paper, this matchup is not as intriguing as Triple-I versus the Bears. After all, I Have No Idea What I’m Doing! put up 129 points in week 1, while This Totally Isn’t Soccer fell into the cellar with a paltry 81 point showing. Things could change in week 2, as This Totally Isn’t Soccer shook things up with the waiver wire and I Have No Idea What I’m Doing rode a couple of unsustainable performances to victory, most notably by Reggie Bush who already finds himself with some nagging injuries.

But in a week that features no two teams with a winning record playing each other, we need to delve deeper to find intrigue and mystique. So why will we be paying attention to this game? Because the stakes are higher than ever, ladies and gentlemen – what we have on the line here is love.

That’s right, for the first time in fantasy football history (that is probably a lie) we have two people who are engaged playing each other. Will fantasy football drive a wedge in their impending marriage? Will the trash talk become personal? Will their wedding vows include a trade of LeSean McCoy for DeSean Jackson?

Only one way to find out, and that’s by following the Gamers Schmamers Scmantasy Football League!

Comments:

  • Corey

    I want double extra points for going dirty on 9/11 without realizing it.

  • Mychael Stewart

    This is glorious.