Schmabletop Reviews: Epic Spell Wars of the Battle Wizards

by on April 19th, 2013 at 11:54 am


Sir Lootzor’s Festering Testikill. That’s it. That’s all you need to know. Go, go now and play.


In “Epic Spell Wars of the Battle Wizards Duel at Mt. Skullzfyre” (which henceforth shall be Epic Spell Wars) you assume the persona of one of a few battle wizards dueling for honor and glory and maybe a chance at dying forever and not being resurrected to fight in another stupid tournament for some asshole who keeps bringing you back to life. Because lord knows all I ever wantedto was spend my eternity fighting a fatass with a wand while he shoots literal shit storms at me!



Where was I?

Oh! Epic Spell Wars. The gameplay of Epic Spell Wars consists of building a spell with which to smite your foes. Each spell can have between 1 and 3 components. (Or I guess zero if you just want to sit there and take a bunch of punishment and not be EPIC.) You can have a Source, which is the name of the wizard who invented the spell, a Quality, which modifies how the spell will deal damage, and a Delivery, which is what the spell does when it hits you. More or less. The first line of this review is actually the name of a spell “Sir Lootzor’s (S) Festering (Q) Testikill (D).” It doesn’t matter what the spell does, this isn’t a game of strategy or cunning deception, this a game of EPIC SPELLS.


And even when you die the game isn’t over. Oh no no. If you want to be the most Epic Spell Wizard you have to win multiple times! Guess what? Your foes don’t like it when you kill them, and the longer they’re left in wizard heaven before they can come spread some righteous fury across your face the more powerful they get! That’s right, Epic Spell Wars rewards you for dying.

But set all of that aside. You don’t play this game for the gameplay itself. You play it for the names and the art. Seriously, look at this art. Let it seep into your MIND. Do you not feel epic? DO YOU NOT WISH TO BURN THE WORLD IN A RIGHTEOUS ORGY OF PURIFYING CHICKEN GREASE?

I don't even

Usually I can’t stand games that are more interesting for the environment around them than the games themselves, but Epic Spell Wars is a wonderful exception. This is a game you pull at out three in the morning when no one wants to setup another game of Mansions of Madness but doesn’t want to go home yet. This is the game you pull out for your friends who think boardgames are silly, boring things that usually consist of giving money to Free Parking or conquering Asia. This is the game you play when you want to say “fuck the rules, we’ll play with eight people if we goddamn well please! This is the game you play when you want to make someone explode, literally, with diarrhea.

If your group is looking for something light, easy, but full of strange, surreal, and disgusting humor (as you damn well should be) Epic Spell Wars is right up your alley.

(Fear the chicken, for chicken is the most powerful spell in the game.)