A Declaration of Independence (From Mario)
The unanimous Declaration of the Peoples of the Mushroom Kingdom,
When in the course of fungus events, it becomes necessary for a group of mushrooms to sever the ties of protection they have held with a sole Hero for decades, and to take upon themselves the full Responsibilities, Rights and Privileges of self-reliance, creating a separate and equal Entity of autonomous existence, a decent respect for the opinions of like Kingdoms require that they should declare the reasons which impel them to separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Toads and other Creatures are created equal, that they are endowed from the Soil in which they sprout with certain unalienable Rights – among them Safety, Autonomy and the pursuit of Coins. That to secure these rights, a Protector is to be instituted above the Land, given certain Liberties and Rights over the Citizens thereof, but only deriving these Powers through the consent of the Governed. That, whenever this Protector abuses his privileges and becomes himself the Oppressor, that it is the Right of the Mushrooms to declare the Protector’s status Null and Void, and to appoint a new Protector, aligning his Liberties and Rights in accordance to logic in an effort to maximize the Security and Peace of the Kingdom. Prudence would dictate that Protectors long established should not be overturned for light or transient reasons; and experience has shown that Mushrooms are more likely to allow themselves to be placed under the tyranny of an evil ruler while this ruler remains sufferable, rather than to unshackle the bonds to which they are accustomed. But when a chain of offenses emanates from a single entity for such a duration and of such a severity that this entity becomes oppressive, it is the right – it is the duty – of the Kingdom to overthrow this entity and to provide new Guards for their future security. Such has been the patient suffering of this Kingdom; and such now is the necessity which constrains them to alter its former Systems of Protection. The history of the Kingdom’s present Protector – Super Mario, henceforth to be referred to only as Mario while his superiority is cast in doubt – is a history of persistent injuries and grievances, such that Mario has established an unjust Tyranny over the Kingdom. To let Mario’s Despotism be proven, allow Facts to be presented to a candid world.
- He has walked into our Homes, taken what coins and mushrooms that he will.
- He has imprisoned the yoshis, subjecting them to much physical abuse.
- While under his imprisonment, we have seen him use a yoshi to help him jump farther, letting the yoshi plummet to its death in the Abyss just to reach a farther ledge.
- He subjected his pet Donkey Kong to such Cruel and Unusual punishment that the ape eventually was forced to seek his own Dependence, a process which destroyed many of our cities.
- He has taken control of our Sports, creating cruel mockeries of their original Rules.
- He has forced all of us to take part in his “Parties,” games that which often involve gladiatorial combat in Dangerous areas such as volcanoes or melting glaciers for his own amusement.
- Similarly, he has forced the inhabitants of the Kingdom, including children and creatures who clearly lack the capability to make use of complicated machines, to pilot Karts in annual Races, many of which run directly through our Farms and Villages, putting all at great danger.
- He has annexed our Sewage system to become his own personal Transportation system, causing a most unhygienic backup of sewage in our Cities.
- He practices Medicine without proper License, prescribing pills and an alarming and Dangerous rate.
- He has destroyed the great castles of our ancestors in the name of “liberating” them.
- He forces the Spirits of our Dead to partake in his games and races, preventing them from resting in Peace.
- He has conscripted his brother to aid him in his crimes, though he has forced Luigi to remain in the background.
- He has taken his duty of protecting our Princess lightly, leaving her in danger until she has already been kidnapped.
In every stage of these Oppressions we have Petitioned for Redress in the simplest terms – our passive aggressive complaining – except in which cases that our Fear of being Jumped until flattened into the ground overrode our Courage. A Protector whose every act is placed against those he Stewards, who continues despite their obvious Discomfort and Pain, can be seen to have become fully a Tyrant and unfit to serve as the Protector of the People.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the Mushroom Kingdom, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the Kingdom for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People and Mushrooms of this Kingdom, solemnly publish and declare, That the Mushroom Kingdom is, and of Right ought to be, a Free and Independent Kingdom; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Protectorship of Mario, and that all filial connection between them and Mario’s World or Galaxy, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent Kingdom, they have full Power to fight Bowser, conclude Peace, enjoy our Sports, Games and Races in their original contexts, collect Coins, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Kingdoms may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.