A Day in the Life of Boshi
This is an entry in our series A Day in the Life, delving deeper in the lives of video game characters.
I hate these pipes. Why isn’t there a better way to get to Yo’ster Isle? Maybe our economy wouldn’t be based entirely around racing if we could actually get to Mushroom Kingdom without walking through a damn sewer. And who designs a sewer with long, thin stone walkways so high off the ground you see nothing but blackness beneath them? There is no way in hell this place meets OSHA standards.
Of course the crocodile would like the sewers, though. He probably fits right in here. Damn kleptomaniac crocodile; why isn’t he off stealing bananas from Donkey Kong like the rest of his people? No, he’s got to come mess with the yoshis.
He better not have hurt my family. I swear, if he’s laid a claw on Moshi or the kids I’ll swallow him whole, turn him into an egg and then smash him on a rock. Well, I might do that anyway, as soon as their safe.
“Whoa there, buddy, I’m not looking for trouble…” jeez, everyone is so aggressive when you’re not in town. “I’m not going to mess with the mushroom in your treasure chest, OK? I’m just looking for a… friend…” oh, he left. Good.
At least I don’t have to wear these stupid shades when I’m in here. If only everyone else on the island knew what I was going through, why I had to act like this. I’m a nice yoshi, damnit! One day; one day I won’t have to put this act on any more. When my family and Yo’ster Isle are safe, then I can get back to my life. Get everything back on track. Maybe I’ll finally be able to finish veterinary school and start treating wounded turtles like I’ve always dreamed of. I just want to help turtles, man. That’s it.
Seriously, where the h… oh, there he is. Down the giant flight of stairs, of course. Seriously, do these people not realize that there is a shit-ton of moisture in a sewer? Making giant steps out of blocks you have to jump down is just asking for a broken neck. I should come back here sometime and hang warning signs up. Somebody is going to get hurt.
What’s with that stupid top hat, anyway? I bet he stole it from someone in Mushroom Kingdom. That dumbass top hat looks like something Toad would wear. Probably invites some people over for games and acts all whacky. What a tool.
“Glad you could join me, Boshi.”
Oh God, his breath is terrible. He’s clearly never bothered to steal a toothbrush.
“You’ll see her in due time. Is everything going according to plan?”
He hasn’t let me see Moshi in weeks… I don’t trust this guy as far as I can throw him before turning him into an egg, but… what choice do I have? I’ve got to get Moshi back, got to save my kids. Damnit, Boshi, this is what you get for your pride. Thinking someone wants to recruit you to the Mushroom Derby national circuit just because you won a few races on Yo’ster Isle. And what racer has to pay his agent and steal stuff for him? You let your arrogance get in the way of common sense, you fool. Should’ve seen this trap coming a mile away.
“Yeah, I’ve shut down the races and demand is skyrocketing. There should be plenty of bets for you to skim off the top when we reopen them. I’ve done my part, now where’s my family?”
“Not quite yet, I still need you to do one thing.”
“You bastard! You promised me!”
Whoa, this dude needs to get his hand off my shoulder. I feel you reaching into my pocket, Croco.
“Tell me, Boshi… you’re the best racer on Yo’ster Isle, right?”
“Of course I can!”
“OK, this is what we’re going to do. First, we need to come up with an excuse to get the races going. Think you can figure that out, blue balls?”
“Yeah, I’ll just make something up about really wanting Yoshi Cookies or something.”
“If you think the other yoshis are dumb enough to fall for it, then that works.”
I hate this guy. I just want to throw eggs at him until he falls off the world. What an arrogant dick.
“So you get the races started… and people’s bets start coming in, but I’m going to get some rumors going first, ya see? I’m going to tell them this hot new racer – Yoshi – is really tearing the practice track up. Make sure he comes in a heavy favorite.”
And speaking of arrogant… who names their kid Yoshi? That’s like naming a kid The Man. We’re all yoshis! Just pick a new letter. Goshi… Foshi… Toshi…
“But then I place a big, fat bet on you. You win, I make a profit, I consider our debts paid and you get your family back, alright? And I’ll even give ya back the deed to Yo’ster Isle that you nabbed for me…”
“And then I’m done? No more of this running around? I can go back to my life, get my family back, stop acting like a conceited jerk so people don’t ask questions?”
“Sure, if you can beat Yoshi. If you can’t beat Yoshi in the race, then… I’ll have to stick around. Keep running things on the island behind the scenes like I have been. And you and I will be spending a lot of time together so I can give you back your family… one chunk of flesh at a time. Can you handle it?”
“Of course, I can beat Yoshi, no problem. Unless something crazy happens, like somebody is allowed to race with him and help him win, but that seems like it would be both highly unlikely, illegal and unethical.”
“Then go start working on getting the races back on schedule, Boshi. It’s been a pleasure workin’ with ya!”
Man, even that crocodile’s laugh is annoying. I hate that guy so much.
But… finally. This is it. Years of torment and misery, of having to act like someone I’m not, finally coming to an end. Just put on a brave face, Boshi. Just act like a prick for a while longer so nobody gets suspicious, win the race, and you save your family and Yo’ster Isle. This race with Yoshi is for everything… win and you’re the hero, lose and everything you’ve loved – your wife, your kids, your homeland – they all get destroyed by an evil, thieving, conniving, deceitful, asshole crocodile.